aight, so i don´t want to count no chicken ´fore they be hatchin, but stefan came back. that i didn´t expect: he never sent word. and then yesterday he walked into the school during classes,took hisbag off and looked at me. I didn´t put two and two together: "right" i should have been thinking "this is the dude who i talked to about taking over the school for me a week ago when we were hiking to Laguna Magdalena." But i just kept talking to this dude jason about how to take a local sauna and where to buy some local pants.
don´t worry, i eventually got it. i´m a fast one: that me.
so stefan is here from austria.he´s a tall bearded jovial type and should make a good coordinator IF he can learn somemore spanish. He´s only taken 2 weeks, andneeds at least another 3 before hé´ll be able to communicate decently with the teachers. is this boringfor you? cause damn itsnot for me. its fuckingall ithink about. that and this fucking stupid nonfuncktionall spacebar. i fucking(fuck) dreamt about finding a coordinator ALL night a few nights ago. but if it is boring i´ll start a new paragraphfor you.
that make you happy? man who needs zoloft when you´ve got a little me in your life.
and thats exactly what i´m talking about.
listen: kilgore trout has come unstuck in time. and what´s more: i´m all messed up. this whole just about to come home thing is fucking with me. I am happy here. i tried typing that sentence in caps but it seemed too cheesy. plus things like happiness should draw enough attention to themselves without fonts and fancypants. factory direct.
i´m trying to talk about me, you mother fucker. so stop distracting me with those nasty pictures of your mother. (but i admit, she does look good in those cowboyboots).
life here. oh...life here. its too good to be true. thats why i miss it while its still happening. because reality can´t be this: in my experience, the only thing THIS good is shit that comes out of my imagination, like women, the perfect relationship, the perfect friendship, the perfect fuck (for some reason those things never fit in the same category), the perfect vacation. you know what i´m talking about and I know you know.
please.
don´t get me wrong: i have a hard fucking time with josemar and juan. hard as in i get hot behind the ears. and that means i want to fucking punch those little kids. always testing my limits, stealing signs i put on the door outside the school. knocking loud and running away when i´m showing movies to tourists. i seriously want to punch those little fuckers. and Josemar, i guarantee,will grow up to be just like Victor: 23 and a drunk.
But thats the most of it. shit, i love you. you know that, don´t you, my sweethearts? but i´ve been away long enough that i don´t miss you guys all the time. Life here is good. its like vassar in rural guatemala ´cept you can´t drink the water. small town, tight community. i´ve even been here long enough to make enemies. He´s no caleb Mayo, but calixtro fuckin hates me, i´m sure. After all, i was the one to destroy his chance of marrying an american girl and thus get U.S. citizenship.
but really, he brought it on himself. Look,friends, if you want to marry someone, you can´t openly date someone else. at least not in small town guatemala where everyone knows everything. Alls I did was give little ring to Jenn in oregon to tell her about it. Sure, she criéd. and why the computer put an accent over that "e" i may never know.
just fucking imagine doing something you care about and believe in. the school i work for is far from faultless. plus the rats. But the money I make for the school pays for poor kids to go to school. i mean, shit. How cool is THAT? i get to give the parents the money every month when they bring in the reportcards.
now imagine not having a boss. and tons of cool people from all over the world stopping by everyday to hang out.
look i´m still wearing me dirty ass hiking pants. and why? because i just led a brit, a dutch girl, 2 irish guys, an austrian, and 3 israeli girls toTuj Xiolak, some beautiful caves outside of todos santos that shamans still use for ceremonies.
now you´re beginning to see what i´m talking about.
I ask you, rhetorically, of course: what isn´t there in the states? fuckin icecream, aikido, internet and iced chais. friends, films, and asphault.
you know what there is to do here?
FUCK ALL. and i´m not kidding.
i read. i practice guitar. i talk to tourists and arrange teachers and host-famies for spanish students. I buy large quantities of rat poison and push the little red pellets into stale chunks of bread. Then place them in strategic points around my room.
I ask you again, seriously, of course: what isn´t there in the states?
Answer: the relaxed life.
consider reading that sentence again.
Now happiness is nothing but a relative term. And so is "struggle". the people here work fucking hard and are still poor. they struggle. they get sick and can´t afford to go to the doctor. can´t pay for their kids to go to school to become anything but poor.
And the rat race. The rat race is also a struggle and Roman would agree. Roman- the swiss dude whose lived here for 13 years. has a local wife and a kid. farms corn for a living. He had the balls to realize there is a decision here all of us are too something to admit exists.
and so i will come home. and so i will allow myself time to readjust. some weeks in florida for my grandfathers 90th birthday. maybe a month in NYC or until money runs out. then back to salt lake.
maybe the trick is doing less. ignoring all there is to do. doing less and doing it better. but i´m not sure i´m strong enough. hell, i´m not even sure that after a month in the states i´ll want to. the jump in the car rush to the next party/dinner engagement/wedding/starbucks life is fucking tempting. it´s just that right now, it all sounds pretty stressful.
Why have I been grinding my teeth since I was 12 years old? I lie at night and chew my teeth away. Here i stand infront of the toilet and pee. I pee and pee and wish I could go on peeing forever. the release of it all. sometimes its better than sex. shit, sometimes its better than food. and drinking more water just doesn´t seem like the solution to this problem.
